First steps are terrifying

I know that whatever the problem I think I made can be fixed if only I learn to face it. You see, its simple to say “if its not for you, a new opportunity will come”. What if the new opportunity does not measure up to the one I wanted? Some people will argue, “then you have to work hard to get it”. What if I do work hard, got it and realize it was not worth it.

A lot of people might be thinking, this person knows her problem and she also knows how to solve it, why not just do it. Its simple, I know. Believe me, I have been hammering myself for not doing anything. But what you have to understand is that, its scary. Regardless of how simple it may be, taking the first step is hard. Once you take that, you have to take ownership of what comes after. It scares the living shit out of me.

I’ve heard it all. From “you’re amazing” to “you’ll go through it, just fine”, but all of these seems useless to me. I always wondered, why does my brain keep on rejecting every compliment and cheers? There is this feeling of emptiness, regardless of how encouraging the people around me are.

Lately, I have been trying to avoid people. I don’t want to compare myself with anyone anymore. At the same time, it is hard to answer their questions. “How are you?” I can lie and say that I’m fine or sour the mood by saying I’m dying inside. At the same time I don’t want to ask them back, not because I don’t care but because I’ll get jealous. Regardless if they say they’re doing great or that their boss is making their life hell, I will get jealous. It just means something is happening in their lives.

After all the self pitying I have been doing, I finally took my first step. I want to be a marketer then I need to know how to be one. So I applied for a course. Got a reply, I’m almost in! For the first time in months, I was excited.

I had the conversation with my parents about it. They were also excited. Then came the money topic and just like that, everything I was looking forward for a week seems unreachable.

Its not like they did something wrong, but I am so mad at them. I know they were just stating facts.

I know all I had to do is sit down and look for another school that will need less money to spend. Move on. Or get a job, make enough money for it. Move on. Money. That’s the enemy. If only I had money with me right now. To have money, I should have a job. To have a job, I should be looking for it. Instead, I am here.

For the first time, I decided to do something again and it all looks imposible. It was just one step and already it is a disappointment.

So I am scared. I don’t want to go back to self pitying. At the same time, I am to afraid to take another chance and find out its impossible.

Am I being too dramatic? Or is it reasonable to feel this way? Let me know through the comments below. (Just make sure you’re not too harsh. I’m a bit sensitive)