What ifs

What if I were prettier?
If I worked hard to be slimmer?
To be envied by women,
To be adored by men.

What if I were richer?
I could buy everything better?
To hear endless cheers,
People lining up to be one of my peers.

What if I was born smarter?
Spit some lines that were clever?
To make my parents proud,
To be able to blend well with the crowd.

None of these are realistic.
No I am not materialistic.
If God would give me another chance,
I wish for one thing: bring back time.

Bring me back 7 months back,
Let me listen to the advice with tack.
I will not sign and listen to my gut.
If I have to I’d glue my butt.

Bring me back to 2010,
I wish I knew the road I could have taken.
To have goals and a path,
Not a course because I was good in Math.

Or maybe bring me back further,
To the time I was much younger.
I wish I learned piano or Taekwondo,
Not the hobbies taken by my sisters.

I’ve made so many decisions,
Without plan nor predictions.
Now I live in regret.
I cannot even pay any of my debts.

So why don’t we go back to where it all began?
To the time I was still in an oven as a bun.
Or maybe I was never there from the start?
Oh don’t frown, just heart me out.

What if I was out of the picture?
Wouldn’t your lives have a better future?
Didn’t you once say I was torture?
Wouldn’t it be better if I was not there to lecture?

If I cannot bring back years,
I’ll take 3 months back.
I will not call her.
No, not one ring.

I will lie in bed waiting,
Hoping countless pills will take in effect.
If need be I will be in my knees praying,
If my story ends here, it would be perfect.

Years, months, weeks, days.
I will take even going back minutes away.
Take back those seconds I was holding back.
Clutching on knives but holding back.

But here I am with you,
Still dreading all of these are true.
I’ve beaten myself black and blue,
Alive but dreading it, what’s new?

Not that it will matter
You all seem to have your lives together.
Soon you’ll all be moving on,
You won’t even notice me gone.